What's obsessing me?
(Is that even a real phrase?)
What is it that I'm obsessively searching for..inside of myself..and in the mirror? I don't write anymore. I used to be pretty good at it, but more than that, it was fulfilling.
I consistently, over the years, feel the undenyable drive to reinvent myself.
(I always seem to look the same regardless.)
It starts me wondering if I should be helping more people in a mission setting someplace far away where clean water & a washing machine are luxuries.
O I'm not trying to imply that my place of residence is at fault for any sense of self-centeredness from which I suffer, or anything as cliché as that.
It's merely a matter of perspective of one's own life.
Something tells me that I would be as self conscious & self consumed in my free mind anywhere I resided.
(Why is this? Why can't I leave myself alone?)
I'm grateful my husband loves me for me. There is freedom in that..there is also a sense of grounding to it. So why do I self obsess..or more importantly, how can I resolve it? What is the root? My fear that if I can't compete with the prettiest girls that I won't keep my husband & the life we've built?
I've always admired the women who seemed to know themselves so well & be original in some way or another..completely wholly themselves.
I guess part of me fears I'm not an original..that it'll be found out that I take bits & pieces of other girls' lives to build my own.
I guess that's normal. I just wish I didn't have this feeling of being a Stepford Wife. It's the most irritating plague I have to deal with because
(it effects my sense of self worth, of beauty, of originality.)
It just so happens I have long, wavy blonde hair (and prefer long, wavy blonde hair...as does my husband), that I enjoy wearing pretty makeup, that I enjoy being female & dressing like it.
Throw me into a setting where that is the general "look" of the population, and I feel myself start to wilt like a flower in a sea of other flowers that feels it'll never be cherished. Thing is, I am cherished (by some amazing people)..and I know it.
So why am I looking to be the prettiest girl in the room & feel sad if I'm not? How shallow is that? Funniest part is, I always feel the most envious of & threatened by the girl who so obviously isn't trying, but just glows.
(I've tried very hard to get that look. )
When everyone has the same ideal picture of beauty, all I seem to notice are the ways I fall short. I don't glow from within. I don't ever look like I'm not trying.
I'm too calculated a person for that.
Maybe too afraid also.
The thing that saddens me the most is that people don't get me, because I'm too parallel to "the look" for anyone to consider that that's not what I'm trying for.
(I see beauty in so many people and styles of self expression.)
It's a lonely feeling..looking like everbody else. I feel I'm in competition with a ghost. Oh, I thought it was myself at first, but it isn't.
The real me wants to celebrate beauty & be so happy for women who glow.
The real me also needs to recognize she's safe being cherished by a select few..and let that be enough.
The real me needs to let her spirit show through her physical..that's where the beauty lies.
"..rather let (her adornment) be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God."
(1Peter 3)
