..4th decision..

I've decide it's important to me to make a dvd of our wedding. I stumbled across the retarded one our photographer made, and watched it while I had my morning tea. The music is irritating, the photos are so not the ones I would have chosen to highlight the day. In short..the vibe is all wrong. I want to make a reminder as beautiful..and peaceful..and soulful..and sexy as that day really was. I need reminders. I think we all do. The live version of SeaBreeze by Tyrone Wells (which I walked down the aisle to)...the architectural gorgeousness of LaVentaInn which is a former residential estate overlooking the pacific (in which they filmed a silent Charlie Chaplin film I'm trying to locate)...I would love to splice in a couple shots from that or maybe some of the music. This is just for me. I need this because my memory will start to erase some of the details..and because the spirit of that day needs to be captured..and because this is my life.

..two questions...three decisions..

I have this inexplicable fascination with "surprising" my gorgeous husband with things I think he should be excited about, even though I already know he'd much rather discuss them first. It started as soon as I became a wife...I wonder what that means..

#1 So I decided to get bangs again. Which I didn't let my gorgeous husband know until after the fact (even though I know he hates them). Act of passive aggressiveness? Defiant spunkiness?? No..just not used to someone else caring yet. Truth be told, they're not as "genious" as they were last time. Although they do still bring out my artsy french side (which happens to actually be my favorite side...and which I will fully enjoy until they're too long to wear straight down). But before you feel too sad for me..my gorgeous husband loves everything about me except for my current hairstyle (and maybe my tendency to "surprise" him)..so I'm a happy girl.

#2

I'm slightly less happy about the paint decision for our loft (which I would call our cute~loft except it isn't). The 2 colors in question were veto-ed..which meant I decided to be a good wife and stop torturing my gorgeous husband with further paint sampling (at last count there were 11 colors on the wall). So I sit here typing today with every muscle in body fatigued from painting our loft the original agreed upon (paint already purchased) color of "Witch Hazel". Sort of close to the grayish olivey green color in my head, but not quite. I was optimistic about it until this morning when I saw the color of perfect. It's in the background of this picture on our wedding day..also I realized it's the same color at 2 other of my favorite spots on the planet..ZincCafe in Laguna Beach, and L'Auberge Carmel. It makes me instantly happy..and instantly feel beautiful.

#3

...So, one fine day (hopefully not too far from here), my gorgeous husband will agree to let me find this color and re~paint, because it makes me happy.

(I promise it won't be a surprise).

..not attractive..

..lack of self control is not attractive..

..being spoiled & ungrateful is not attractive..

..selfishness is not attractive..

..insulting your lover is not attractive..

..being spineless is not attractive..

..the sun is setting again..

..but I'm not ready. I need more light..warmth..optimism. Come back soon, sun..

..don't hate me..

Don't hate me for wearing last year's sunglasses..and jeans..and earrings.

You will see me step out my door this year in nothing but last year's garb..(hopefully reworked in some cute way)..Please don't snicker and point!!

I'm on a mission.

...To make my house the fashionable one.

It sucks to come home to a hodge~podge of cluttery~uncuteness.

So instead of shopping at Sephora and Urban Outfitters this year, you may run into me at Sur La Table and Juxtaposition.

Wave, smile and be nice... I'll probably be wearing gladiator sandals.

..I wonder..

I wonder if we can channel our vices. When I get overwhelmed or stressed I tend to pull out my eyebrows..which isn't good advertising since I shape other people's brows for a living. It used to be having a ciggie..or maybe not eating. I see the triggers coming a mile away..I'm just musing about how much control we actually have over where that nervous energy shows up. If I let myself enjoy the feeling of hunger, will my eyebrows grow in beautifully? Can I choose to crack my knuckles instead of smoking it up? I'm starting to think it may actually work this way. I used to think these "bad habits" were special areas of weakness for me, but just maybe it doesn't have as much to do with the vice as much as it does the anxiety I'm trying to release. It makes perfect sense since my anxiety just shows up in a new area I'm not expecting after I gain mastery over the old fix. So what's the answer? To find the least harmful coping mechanism? (Or maybe the one I enjoy the most?) When something is bigger than you or harder than what you're prepared to deal with, what do you do?? ...This is one of those moments when I realized the answer as I was typing out the question... O yeah, I know Jesus. I have a Comforter.."a very present help in trouble"..not to give me strength over a symptom, but to navigate me through situations and feelings too big for me to handle on my own. O yeah..

..my 2 decisions of the day..

bangs or no bangs?

silver sage or sycamore green?

..I love January..

..I love January..