..i dream of spring..

where a magnolia flower fits perfectly into the back of my hair . sweet icey lemonade & cute white shorts . soft breeze heavy with the scent of jasmine . twilight later & later into the evening . afternoons with suntea & backgammon on mom's porch . long hair on a bare shoulder over a new tank top . fresh new perfume like sugar ~ lychee & a spray on tan . new sandals & cleaned out closets . carwashes & butterflies . going to church in the evening knowing it will still be light when we get out . going to Gypsy Den & not freezing on the patio . pixi dresses with straps that tie in a little bow on top of the shoulder . espadrilles & Three's Company . home improvement projects . life improvement projects . art projects . finding a used bookstore & spending an afternoon reading . blackberry sage . Nordstrom Cafe . driving trips to Carmel..San Francisco..Santa Barbara . ponytails . sunroofs . blonde hair blowing out the side window driving up PCH . iced chai . holding someone else's new kitten & helping to name it . maybe "Gypsy" . Joni Mitchell music . Almost Famous & remembering how much I love Jacob . visiting Christiana & shopping at Serenite in Lieper's Fork . yoga clothes . In N Out . peonies for Mothers' Day..because they're her favorite . magazines at the beach . breakfast dates outside . pedicures after shopping . having all of Summer to look forward to . long days . going to Cinespia again (hopefully) . antique stores..because Summer is more fun with vintage accents . scarves in my hair with a bathing suit . Main Street Huntington . riding mom's silver beach cruiser on the boardwalk . iced soy vanilla lattes from Starbucks . 3pm scrambled eggs at Sugar Shack . Forever 21 . swimming pools & striped towels

..tender tennessee christmas..

..arrived on the coldest night of the year to the warmest embrace....winter dream tea lattes cristen the baby whisk..morning photoshoot with Scruffy & the most charming apartment....florida rolls snake rolls at P.M...Sex & The City movie on the sofa with Gigi's red velvet cupcake (my first..but not my last)....Opryland Hotel.. ..where it rains twinkle lights & everything is named Magnolia....endless photos of the most charming patios..BLT..Dickens of a Christmas in Franklin..3 hours is just enough..top floor view from a hidden room in the antique shop..sugar plums that get you drunk....endless inspiration in enchanting twinkly rustic boutiques (that make you wish you lived in them)....dried pomegranates & the perfect color mucklucks..wine flatbread & the transcendent smell of basil..the Nutcracker & future mother daughter plans..RockBand with added accordian..the perfect misty morning for brunch & Leipers fork....making plans for Paris (we vacation well together)..walking in the fog being real about things people don't talk about..Serenite paper flowers & the perfect new journal....Bailey's cheesecake & a drive through the countryside with hidden homes & Alpaca "farms"....not wanting to leave the company of a friend who makes me feel my best & conversations that reveal our true selves..

..Oh, life..

O, life..

Why won't you be what I want you to be. How must I have the courage to be discontent with so much? I know I am blessed. I count the wonders I've been afforded daily. With thankfullness.

It all means nothing without love.

I will wait..for him to miss me again. To call me just because he needed to hear the sound of my voice. To look forward to coming home to me. To consider me his best friend again..genuinely. To think of ways to make me smile. To send me a dirty text because he can't get me off his mind. To not be so burned out that the thought of a child (or even a puppy) turns him into a jerk. To actually love the idea of having a baby with me. To stop thinking of my domesticity as a curse he has to deal with. To realize that everything I do, and buy, and wear is to make him fall back in love with me.

So I will wait for that.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

..this girl's world..

( twenty ~ seven )

this year i would like . to gaze out a window in paris at the pouring rain . to only work 4 days a week & get a raise . to finish decorating our home so that every room makes us happy . to become a mother . to fall more in love with my husband & to be a better wife for him . for my husband to fall more in love with me . louis vuitton luggage (possibly vintage) . to write beautiful, poignant things . to discover a little more of myself & of God . to release more of my fear & enjoy this precious life

"She watches over the ways of her household,

and does not eat the bread of idleness."

Proverb 31:27

..moments in between..

Skies grey with fear

In dark corner drops a tear

Ragged and worn

Hope and life and soul now torn

Love in this unseen

Slivers of light peek through

Slowly the pieces made new

These moments in between

..oh, autumn..

thank you for coming

let's play

..borrowed..

I was so excited to be picked as one of my dear friend Christiana's Friday Favorites on her amazingly popular blog.

(She deserves to be popular by the way.)

..Thanks, Christi for making my blog look pretty again..

Friday Favorites - Jillian Charles
*Jillian effortlessly charms the world
over here at Joie de Vivre.

Grab a chai latte,

curl up with a kitten,

and go experience her peaceful presence.

This is Jillian Charles.

Oh my gracious I love this girl. One day, a long time ago when I was still a very young single girl living in Southern California, I went to an engagement party in Laguna Beach. I didn't know very many people at the party - I had just graduated from high school and had recently started going to a new church, the first church I'd ever picked for myself. The young couple celebrating their engagement were part of the college group I had just begun to attend. At this engagement party, there was a gorgeous blonde knockout - a perfect blend of charm and elegance and confidence, and a sly bit of sass - and wouldn't you know it, we happened to have on the exact same bracelet. In casual conversation with a couple new, mutual friends, someone (I don't remember who now) pointed out this serendipitous alignment of the stars and our styles - and I brazenly said (I do remember this),

We should be friends.

[She said ok.]

And the rest is beautiful history.

Me: How long have we been friends?

Jillian: 9 lovely years.. (and eagerly awaiting our "Red Velvet" anniversary!!!)

Me: Where would you like to escape to right now if you could, if money were no object?

Jillian: Monaco. (I love this question.) The French Riviera's most enchanting spot..and I dreamed of it all day (thanks to you)!!

Me: What are a few things you love most about your husband [I won't make you pick just one or even three]?

Jillian: Ooh lala I love him. What to say? I love his dimples, long sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, (naturally) tan skin (and that light blonde spot in his facial scruf)..I love that his feet are always warm..I love that flat spot on his arms next to his elbows..I love that he's so affirming..I love that he loves to cook..I love our life together..he loves me perfectly. Always has. I love his fierce protectiveness & God-given wisdom..I love that he's a conversationalist..I love that he's so into fashion he has triple the wardrobe I have..I love that he has a vintage 1920's red satin robe just for smoking his pipe on the patio by the glow of twinkle lights..he's such a grandpa. Such a sexy 28 year old grandpa..and he's all mine.

(I'll stop now).

Me: What do you love doing so much, you wish you could do it for a living? Jillian: Finding amazing cafes.

Me: What is one dream you hope to accomplish in 2009?

Jillian: Creating a better sense of "home" for my gorgeous husband & I.

(A close second would be owning my first pair of Christian Louboutin shoes)..

Me: What do you think is one of your gifts to the world?

Jillian: Not singing.

Me: How would you describe your style [fashion and home decor, please]?Jillian:

Home ~ I like my closet to feel like a boutique..my bathroom to feel like a vintage apothecary..my dining/kitchen a french cafe..and everything light & open with dark 1930's accents. In a word: enchanting.

Fashion ~ A very cherished friend of mine (wink) once told me I looked like "a model on her day off," and I've been smitten with that description ever since. Always feminine..(mostly) comfortable..experimental..sexy but never contrived..very self~expressive. Still feel the most beautiful in: jeans & a white tank top.

Me: Name 3 women who inspire you, and why.

Jillian:

Christiana Rush ~ because she is her husband's biggest cheerleader..because she made a new home very far from her old one..because she lets her beauty show.

My Mother ~ because she is very much herself, always..because she invests everything in love & her life is filled with the fruit of that..because she creates "home" like no one else..and because she always longs for God.

My future sister Gina ~ because she loves women the way God does..protecting, freeing, celebrating them through her daily life & through her work with http://www.isanctuary.org/

Me: Where is your favorite place [that you've actually been]?

Jillian: L'Auberge in Carmel~by~the~Sea..I dream of it daily.

Me: What is a dirty chai? ;)

Jillian: Pure love..in a cup. Chai Latte with a shot of espresso. Unless you're feeling extra dirty, then 2 shots of espresso!!

Me: When are you moving to Franklin to be close to me?

Jillian: When God puts Franklin in California? Oh my heart is divided.

Me: What is one word with which you would like people to describe you - and why?

Jillian: Radiant. ..no reason ;)

And she is positively radiant, isn't she?

[Now go wander awhile through her blog.]

H A P P Y F R I D A Y.

..be here now..

Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls'

Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now

..mosaic..

"Whatever I ask of life is something life can give me. I never sought the impossible dream, but from life I sometimes got the impossible dream because I took it step by step, little by little, with patience, too. If you wait for the impossible dream to come true, it won't. But if you work at a little corner of it and then another corner, well, one day you may have the whole mosaic."

(Audrey Hepburn)

..the really ugly truth..

What's obsessing me?

(Is that even a real phrase?)

What is it that I'm obsessively searching for..inside of myself..and in the mirror? I don't write anymore. I used to be pretty good at it, but more than that, it was fulfilling.

I consistently, over the years, feel the undenyable drive to reinvent myself.

(I always seem to look the same regardless.)

It starts me wondering if I should be helping more people in a mission setting someplace far away where clean water & a washing machine are luxuries.

O I'm not trying to imply that my place of residence is at fault for any sense of self-centeredness from which I suffer, or anything as cliché as that.

It's merely a matter of perspective of one's own life.

Something tells me that I would be as self conscious & self consumed in my free mind anywhere I resided.

(Why is this? Why can't I leave myself alone?)

I'm grateful my husband loves me for me. There is freedom in that..there is also a sense of grounding to it. So why do I self obsess..or more importantly, how can I resolve it? What is the root? My fear that if I can't compete with the prettiest girls that I won't keep my husband & the life we've built?

I've always admired the women who seemed to know themselves so well & be original in some way or another..completely wholly themselves.

I guess part of me fears I'm not an original..that it'll be found out that I take bits & pieces of other girls' lives to build my own.

I guess that's normal. I just wish I didn't have this feeling of being a Stepford Wife. It's the most irritating plague I have to deal with because

(it effects my sense of self worth, of beauty, of originality.)

It just so happens I have long, wavy blonde hair (and prefer long, wavy blonde hair...as does my husband), that I enjoy wearing pretty makeup, that I enjoy being female & dressing like it.

Throw me into a setting where that is the general "look" of the population, and I feel myself start to wilt like a flower in a sea of other flowers that feels it'll never be cherished. Thing is, I am cherished (by some amazing people)..and I know it.

So why am I looking to be the prettiest girl in the room & feel sad if I'm not? How shallow is that? Funniest part is, I always feel the most envious of & threatened by the girl who so obviously isn't trying, but just glows.

(I've tried very hard to get that look. )

When everyone has the same ideal picture of beauty, all I seem to notice are the ways I fall short. I don't glow from within. I don't ever look like I'm not trying.

I'm too calculated a person for that.

Maybe too afraid also.

The thing that saddens me the most is that people don't get me, because I'm too parallel to "the look" for anyone to consider that that's not what I'm trying for.

(I see beauty in so many people and styles of self expression.)

It's a lonely feeling..looking like everbody else. I feel I'm in competition with a ghost. Oh, I thought it was myself at first, but it isn't.

The real me wants to celebrate beauty & be so happy for women who glow.

The real me also needs to recognize she's safe being cherished by a select few..and let that be enough.

The real me needs to let her spirit show through her physical..that's where the beauty lies.

"..rather let (her adornment) be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God."

(1Peter 3)

..adventures with Christi..

Just another day in 2 girls' enchanted lives..

..Shared moments involved somebody's first taste of the sugary treat known as a Sprinkles cupcake..

..(she said "thank you." "I think we need to hold hands for a while")..

..We told tales of God speaking through a magic 8 ball at the nail salon..


.."Without a doubt" we would both be mothers soon..
..we decided the best thing to do after sharing the joyful news was to hold hands some more.. .."We're gonna be such great mothers".."We are gonna be such great mothers"..
.
.
.

.

.

.
..btw..I think your husband may have a crush on my brother..

..most enchanting day since my wedding..

..perfect..

Happy Birthday my lovely Christiana..

..(let's eat them all)

..smiling for days..

..maybe years..

(because it's mine)

..he bought it for me..

(and it's being delivered in the morning)

!!!

..i stopped praying..

I stopped praying because I stopped trusting that God is good . I was afraid of what He would say . and who wants to strike up a conversation with someone who scares you . one sided monologs..prayer postcards at best . but here's the thing . scary stuff can happen whether or not I'm walking with Him . I can be real & open . I'm not protecting myself from the unknown by hiding . He see's it all anyway . even my fears..and they are many . God wants me to want things & ask for them . You see my problem was that I believed in the power of my prayers too much . The thought that I could ask Him for the wrong thing and that He'd give it to me because I asked for it was crippling to my spiritual life . No wonder I had so much fear . I truly believed God gave me all the power . I don't belong with that much power . Truth is..He'll say no if it's not what He has for me . Unless I continually ask for something I know He doesn't want for me & I want it anyway . God is good . I need to start fearing the thought of not walking closely enough or being open enough with Him . Not fearing being close or open with Him . How did I get that so confused . It's a conversation . He really does speak with us

..prodigal bridesmaid dress..

The prodigal bridesmaid dress returns!!

After being backordered..marked "delivered" when it wasn't..scanning my neighbors' porches like a peeping tom..yelling at the USPS automated voice lady about how this is for my brother's wedding, and how they stopped making this particular dress..and finally..

it's here.

(I wish I could wear it every day)

..morning fog..

..Interesting phenomena happening around year 2 1/4 of marriage.. So there's this thing happening inside me, and it's hard to explain so be patient with me. For the first time since I've been married, I find myself in those moments when it's just you..the real you..driving in your car, or putting on makeup, or walking through your favorite store..and you're suddenly aware of how much you feel like yourself. The self you've known your whole life..not necessarily the "newly ~ anything" self you'd become accustomed to. I find myself thinking thoughts that include dreams I had for myself pre ~ wedding..pre ~ engagement even..like it's not the only marker on my timeline anymore. It feels good. It feels free. The way I love to feel..and the only way to feel this way when you're in love must be after the morning fog burns off. I don't love my gorgeous husband any less than the day we said "I do", in fact we've grown to love each other so much more. There seems to have come a level of intimacy..a level of knowing each other..a level of comfort that warms my soul. As much as I used to think I loved change, I find I'm happiest..most full of joie de vivre in the comfort of stability..and I feel stable. Are we imperfect? Yes. Can either of us still deeply hurt the other? Bien sur. But my nerves aren't on edge waiting to be hurt anymore. The sense of dread that comes with new vulnerability has quietly become a lovely sense of warmth..the way baby birds must feel cozied up in their nest. I love my gorgeous husband..and he loves me.

..happy day..

I'm so excited..I just ordered this fabric (which I love)

and in 1 ~ 2 weeks they will be beautiful drapes for our home..yay!!

(one step at a time)

..i heart genevieve..

"Design has a funny way of bringing people all together, because when the landscape changes, moods change, energy changes..and once things start becoming beautiful, I think people start acting more beautiful."

~ Genevieve Gorder

I also heart these things (which I want to put in our home)..

(above fridge)

(maybe bedroom, maybe by the fire..opposite "his")

(no idea where..I just love it)