..the really ugly truth..

What's obsessing me?

(Is that even a real phrase?)

What is it that I'm obsessively searching for..inside of myself..and in the mirror? I don't write anymore. I used to be pretty good at it, but more than that, it was fulfilling.

I consistently, over the years, feel the undenyable drive to reinvent myself.

(I always seem to look the same regardless.)

It starts me wondering if I should be helping more people in a mission setting someplace far away where clean water & a washing machine are luxuries.

O I'm not trying to imply that my place of residence is at fault for any sense of self-centeredness from which I suffer, or anything as cliché as that.

It's merely a matter of perspective of one's own life.

Something tells me that I would be as self conscious & self consumed in my free mind anywhere I resided.

(Why is this? Why can't I leave myself alone?)

I'm grateful my husband loves me for me. There is freedom in that..there is also a sense of grounding to it. So why do I self obsess..or more importantly, how can I resolve it? What is the root? My fear that if I can't compete with the prettiest girls that I won't keep my husband & the life we've built?

I've always admired the women who seemed to know themselves so well & be original in some way or another..completely wholly themselves.

I guess part of me fears I'm not an original..that it'll be found out that I take bits & pieces of other girls' lives to build my own.

I guess that's normal. I just wish I didn't have this feeling of being a Stepford Wife. It's the most irritating plague I have to deal with because

(it effects my sense of self worth, of beauty, of originality.)

It just so happens I have long, wavy blonde hair (and prefer long, wavy blonde hair...as does my husband), that I enjoy wearing pretty makeup, that I enjoy being female & dressing like it.

Throw me into a setting where that is the general "look" of the population, and I feel myself start to wilt like a flower in a sea of other flowers that feels it'll never be cherished. Thing is, I am cherished (by some amazing people)..and I know it.

So why am I looking to be the prettiest girl in the room & feel sad if I'm not? How shallow is that? Funniest part is, I always feel the most envious of & threatened by the girl who so obviously isn't trying, but just glows.

(I've tried very hard to get that look. )

When everyone has the same ideal picture of beauty, all I seem to notice are the ways I fall short. I don't glow from within. I don't ever look like I'm not trying.

I'm too calculated a person for that.

Maybe too afraid also.

The thing that saddens me the most is that people don't get me, because I'm too parallel to "the look" for anyone to consider that that's not what I'm trying for.

(I see beauty in so many people and styles of self expression.)

It's a lonely feeling..looking like everbody else. I feel I'm in competition with a ghost. Oh, I thought it was myself at first, but it isn't.

The real me wants to celebrate beauty & be so happy for women who glow.

The real me also needs to recognize she's safe being cherished by a select few..and let that be enough.

The real me needs to let her spirit show through her physical..that's where the beauty lies.

"..rather let (her adornment) be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God."

(1Peter 3)

..adventures with Christi..

Just another day in 2 girls' enchanted lives..

..Shared moments involved somebody's first taste of the sugary treat known as a Sprinkles cupcake..

..(she said "thank you." "I think we need to hold hands for a while")..

..We told tales of God speaking through a magic 8 ball at the nail salon..


.."Without a doubt" we would both be mothers soon..
..we decided the best thing to do after sharing the joyful news was to hold hands some more.. .."We're gonna be such great mothers".."We are gonna be such great mothers"..
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..btw..I think your husband may have a crush on my brother..

..most enchanting day since my wedding..

..perfect..

Happy Birthday my lovely Christiana..

..(let's eat them all)

..smiling for days..

..maybe years..

(because it's mine)

..he bought it for me..

(and it's being delivered in the morning)

!!!

..i stopped praying..

I stopped praying because I stopped trusting that God is good . I was afraid of what He would say . and who wants to strike up a conversation with someone who scares you . one sided monologs..prayer postcards at best . but here's the thing . scary stuff can happen whether or not I'm walking with Him . I can be real & open . I'm not protecting myself from the unknown by hiding . He see's it all anyway . even my fears..and they are many . God wants me to want things & ask for them . You see my problem was that I believed in the power of my prayers too much . The thought that I could ask Him for the wrong thing and that He'd give it to me because I asked for it was crippling to my spiritual life . No wonder I had so much fear . I truly believed God gave me all the power . I don't belong with that much power . Truth is..He'll say no if it's not what He has for me . Unless I continually ask for something I know He doesn't want for me & I want it anyway . God is good . I need to start fearing the thought of not walking closely enough or being open enough with Him . Not fearing being close or open with Him . How did I get that so confused . It's a conversation . He really does speak with us

..prodigal bridesmaid dress..

The prodigal bridesmaid dress returns!!

After being backordered..marked "delivered" when it wasn't..scanning my neighbors' porches like a peeping tom..yelling at the USPS automated voice lady about how this is for my brother's wedding, and how they stopped making this particular dress..and finally..

it's here.

(I wish I could wear it every day)

..morning fog..

..Interesting phenomena happening around year 2 1/4 of marriage.. So there's this thing happening inside me, and it's hard to explain so be patient with me. For the first time since I've been married, I find myself in those moments when it's just you..the real you..driving in your car, or putting on makeup, or walking through your favorite store..and you're suddenly aware of how much you feel like yourself. The self you've known your whole life..not necessarily the "newly ~ anything" self you'd become accustomed to. I find myself thinking thoughts that include dreams I had for myself pre ~ wedding..pre ~ engagement even..like it's not the only marker on my timeline anymore. It feels good. It feels free. The way I love to feel..and the only way to feel this way when you're in love must be after the morning fog burns off. I don't love my gorgeous husband any less than the day we said "I do", in fact we've grown to love each other so much more. There seems to have come a level of intimacy..a level of knowing each other..a level of comfort that warms my soul. As much as I used to think I loved change, I find I'm happiest..most full of joie de vivre in the comfort of stability..and I feel stable. Are we imperfect? Yes. Can either of us still deeply hurt the other? Bien sur. But my nerves aren't on edge waiting to be hurt anymore. The sense of dread that comes with new vulnerability has quietly become a lovely sense of warmth..the way baby birds must feel cozied up in their nest. I love my gorgeous husband..and he loves me.

..happy day..

I'm so excited..I just ordered this fabric (which I love)

and in 1 ~ 2 weeks they will be beautiful drapes for our home..yay!!

(one step at a time)

..i heart genevieve..

"Design has a funny way of bringing people all together, because when the landscape changes, moods change, energy changes..and once things start becoming beautiful, I think people start acting more beautiful."

~ Genevieve Gorder

I also heart these things (which I want to put in our home)..

(above fridge)

(maybe bedroom, maybe by the fire..opposite "his")

(no idea where..I just love it)