joie de vivre

..i hesitate to call them resolutions..

2010-01-13T12:52:00.000-08:00

i would like to continue learning french
i would like to not have a baby this year
i would like to decorate & renovate & get out of debt
i would like to find the best rythm for my life
i would like to date my husband once a month
i would like to cook something every 2 weeks
i would like to soak in the sun a little bit every day
i would like to get in better shape than I ever have been & love my body
i would like to want to be participating in church again

..i dream of spring..

2009-12-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

where a magnolia flower fits perfectly into the back of my hair . sweet icey lemonade & cute white shorts . soft breeze heavy with the scent of jasmine . twilight later & later into the evening . afternoons with suntea & backgammon on mom's porch . long hair on a bare shoulder over a new tank top . fresh new perfume like sugar ~ lychee & a spray on tan . new sandals & cleaned out closets . carwashes & butterflies . going to church in the evening knowing it will still be light when we get out . going to Gypsy Den & not freezing on the patio . pixi dresses with straps that tie in a little bow on top of the shoulder . espadrilles & Three's Company . home improvement projects . life improvement projects . art projects . finding a used bookstore & spending an afternoon reading . blackberry sage . Nordstrom Cafe . driving trips to Carmel..San Francisco..Santa Barbara . ponytails . sunroofs . blonde hair blowing out the side window driving up PCH . iced chai . holding someone else's new kitten & helping to name it . maybe "Gypsy" . Joni Mitchell music . Almost Famous & remembering how much I love Jacob . visiting Christiana & shopping at Serenite in Lieper's Fork . yoga clothes . In N Out . peonies for Mothers' Day..because they're her favorite . magazines at the beach . breakfast dates outside . pedicures after shopping . having all of Summer to look forward to . long days . going to Cinespia again (hopefully) . antique stores..because Summer is more fun with vintage accents . scarves in my hair with a bathing suit . Main Street Huntington . riding mom's silver beach cruiser on the boardwalk . iced soy vanilla lattes from Starbucks . 3pm scrambled eggs at Sugar Shack . Forever 21 . swimming pools & striped towels

..tender tennessee christmas..

2009-12-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

..arrived on the coldest night of the year to the warmest embrace....winter dream tea lattes cristen the baby whisk..morning photoshoot with Scruffy & the most charming apartment....florida rolls snake rolls at P.M...Sex & The City movie on the sofa with Gigi's red velvet cupcake (my first..but not my last)....Opryland Hotel.. ..where it rains twinkle lights & everything is named Magnolia....endless photos of the most charming patios..BLT..Dickens of a Christmas in Franklin..3 hours is just enough..top floor view from a hidden room in the antique shop..sugar plums that get you drunk....endless inspiration in enchanting twinkly rustic boutiques (that make you wish you lived in them)....dried pomegranates & the perfect color mucklucks..wine flatbread & the transcendent smell of basil..the Nutcracker & future mother daughter plans..RockBand with added accordian..the perfect misty morning for brunch & Leipers fork....making plans for Paris (we vacation well together)..walking in the fog being real about things people don't talk about..Serenite paper flowers & the perfect new journal....Bailey's cheesecake & a drive through the countryside with hidden homes & Alpaca "farms"....not wanting to leave the company of a friend who makes me feel my best & conversations that reveal our true selves..

..Oh, life..

2009-11-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

O, life..

Why won't you be what I want you to be. How must I have the courage to be discontent with so much? I know I am blessed. I count the wonders I've been afforded daily. With thankfullness.

It all means nothing without love.

I will wait..for him to miss me again. To call me just because he needed to hear the sound of my voice. To look forward to coming home to me. To consider me his best friend again..genuinely. To think of ways to make me smile. To send me a dirty text because he can't get me off his mind. To not be so burned out that the thought of a child (or even a puppy) turns him into a jerk. To actually love the idea of having a baby with me. To stop thinking of my domesticity as a curse he has to deal with. To realize that everything I do, and buy, and wear is to make him fall back in love with me.

So I will wait for that.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

..this girl's world..

2009-09-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

( twenty ~ seven )

this year i would like . to gaze out a window in paris at the pouring rain . to only work 4 days a week & get a raise . to finish decorating our home so that every room makes us happy . to become a mother . to fall more in love with my husband & to be a better wife for him . for my husband to fall more in love with me . louis vuitton luggage (possibly vintage) . to write beautiful, poignant things . to discover a little more of myself & of God . to release more of my fear & enjoy this precious life

"She watches over the ways of her household,

and does not eat the bread of idleness."

Proverb 31:27

..moments in between..

2009-09-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Skies grey with fear

In dark corner drops a tear

Ragged and worn

Hope and life and soul now torn

Love in this unseen

Slivers of light peek through

Slowly the pieces made new

These moments in between

..oh, autumn..

2009-09-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

thank you for coming

let's play

..borrowed..

2009-09-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

I was so excited to be picked as one of my dear friend Christiana's Friday Favorites on her amazingly popular blog.

(She deserves to be popular by the way.)

..Thanks, Christi for making my blog look pretty again..

Friday Favorites - Jillian Charles
*Jillian effortlessly charms the world
over here at Joie de Vivre.

Grab a chai latte,

curl up with a kitten,

and go experience her peaceful presence.

This is Jillian Charles.

Oh my gracious I love this girl. One day, a long time ago when I was still a very young single girl living in Southern California, I went to an engagement party in Laguna Beach. I didn't know very many people at the party - I had just graduated from high school and had recently started going to a new church, the first church I'd ever picked for myself. The young couple celebrating their engagement were part of the college group I had just begun to attend. At this engagement party, there was a gorgeous blonde knockout - a perfect blend of charm and elegance and confidence, and a sly bit of sass - and wouldn't you know it, we happened to have on the exact same bracelet. In casual conversation with a couple new, mutual friends, someone (I don't remember who now) pointed out this serendipitous alignment of the stars and our styles - and I brazenly said (I do remember this),

We should be friends.

[She said ok.]

And the rest is beautiful history.

Me: How long have we been friends?

Jillian: 9 lovely years.. (and eagerly awaiting our "Red Velvet" anniversary!!!)

Me: Where would you like to escape to right now if you could, if money were no object?

Jillian: Monaco. (I love this question.) The French Riviera's most enchanting spot..and I dreamed of it all day (thanks to you)!!

Me: What are a few things you love most about your husband [I won't make you pick just one or even three]?

Jillian: Ooh lala I love him. What to say? I love his dimples, long sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, (naturally) tan skin (and that light blonde spot in his facial scruf)..I love that his feet are always warm..I love that flat spot on his arms next to his elbows..I love that he's so affirming..I love that he loves to cook..I love our life together..he loves me perfectly. Always has. I love his fierce protectiveness & God-given wisdom..I love that he's a conversationalist..I love that he's so into fashion he has triple the wardrobe I have..I love that he has a vintage 1920's red satin robe just for smoking his pipe on the patio by the glow of twinkle lights..he's such a grandpa. Such a sexy 28 year old grandpa..and he's all mine.

(I'll stop now).

Me: What do you love doing so much, you wish you could do it for a living? Jillian: Finding amazing cafes.

Me: What is one dream you hope to accomplish in 2009?

Jillian: Creating a better sense of "home" for my gorgeous husband & I.

(A close second would be owning my first pair of Christian Louboutin shoes)..

Me: What do you think is one of your gifts to the world?

Jillian: Not singing.

Me: How would you describe your style [fashion and home decor, please]?Jillian:

Home ~ I like my closet to feel like a boutique..my bathroom to feel like a vintage apothecary..my dining/kitchen a french cafe..and everything light & open with dark 1930's accents. In a word: enchanting.

Fashion ~ A very cherished friend of mine (wink) once told me I looked like "a model on her day off," and I've been smitten with that description ever since. Always feminine..(mostly) comfortable..experimental..sexy but never contrived..very self~expressive. Still feel the most beautiful in: jeans & a white tank top.

Me: Name 3 women who inspire you, and why.

Jillian:

Christiana Rush ~ because she is her husband's biggest cheerleader..because she made a new home very far from her old one..because she lets her beauty show.

My Mother ~ because she is very much herself, always..because she invests everything in love & her life is filled with the fruit of that..because she creates "home" like no one else..and because she always longs for God.

My future sister Gina ~ because she loves women the way God does..protecting, freeing, celebrating them through her daily life & through her work with http://www.isanctuary.org/

Me: Where is your favorite place [that you've actually been]?

Jillian: L'Auberge in Carmel~by~the~Sea..I dream of it daily.

Me: What is a dirty chai? ;)

Jillian: Pure love..in a cup. Chai Latte with a shot of espresso. Unless you're feeling extra dirty, then 2 shots of espresso!!

Me: When are you moving to Franklin to be close to me?

Jillian: When God puts Franklin in California? Oh my heart is divided.

Me: What is one word with which you would like people to describe you - and why?

Jillian: Radiant. ..no reason ;)

And she is positively radiant, isn't she?

[Now go wander awhile through her blog.]

H A P P Y F R I D A Y.

..be here now..

2009-08-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls'

Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now

..mosaic..

2009-08-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

"Whatever I ask of life is something life can give me. I never sought the impossible dream, but from life I sometimes got the impossible dream because I took it step by step, little by little, with patience, too. If you wait for the impossible dream to come true, it won't. But if you work at a little corner of it and then another corner, well, one day you may have the whole mosaic."

(Audrey Hepburn)

..the really ugly truth..

2009-08-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

What's obsessing me?

(Is that even a real phrase?)

What is it that I'm obsessively searching for..inside of myself..and in the mirror? I don't write anymore. I used to be pretty good at it, but more than that, it was fulfilling.

I consistently, over the years, feel the undenyable drive to reinvent myself.

(I always seem to look the same regardless.)

It starts me wondering if I should be helping more people in a mission setting someplace far away where clean water & a washing machine are luxuries.

O I'm not trying to imply that my place of residence is at fault for any sense of self-centeredness from which I suffer, or anything as cliché as that.

It's merely a matter of perspective of one's own life.

Something tells me that I would be as self conscious & self consumed in my free mind anywhere I resided.

(Why is this? Why can't I leave myself alone?)

I'm grateful my husband loves me for me. There is freedom in that..there is also a sense of grounding to it. So why do I self obsess..or more importantly, how can I resolve it? What is the root? My fear that if I can't compete with the prettiest girls that I won't keep my husband & the life we've built?

I've always admired the women who seemed to know themselves so well & be original in some way or another..completely wholly themselves.

I guess part of me fears I'm not an original..that it'll be found out that I take bits & pieces of other girls' lives to build my own.

I guess that's normal. I just wish I didn't have this feeling of being a Stepford Wife. It's the most irritating plague I have to deal with because

(it effects my sense of self worth, of beauty, of originality.)

It just so happens I have long, wavy blonde hair (and prefer long, wavy blonde hair...as does my husband), that I enjoy wearing pretty makeup, that I enjoy being female & dressing like it.

Throw me into a setting where that is the general "look" of the population, and I feel myself start to wilt like a flower in a sea of other flowers that feels it'll never be cherished. Thing is, I am cherished (by some amazing people)..and I know it.

So why am I looking to be the prettiest girl in the room & feel sad if I'm not? How shallow is that? Funniest part is, I always feel the most envious of & threatened by the girl who so obviously isn't trying, but just glows.

(I've tried very hard to get that look. )

When everyone has the same ideal picture of beauty, all I seem to notice are the ways I fall short. I don't glow from within. I don't ever look like I'm not trying.

I'm too calculated a person for that.

Maybe too afraid also.

The thing that saddens me the most is that people don't get me, because I'm too parallel to "the look" for anyone to consider that that's not what I'm trying for.

(I see beauty in so many people and styles of self expression.)

It's a lonely feeling..looking like everbody else. I feel I'm in competition with a ghost. Oh, I thought it was myself at first, but it isn't.

The real me wants to celebrate beauty & be so happy for women who glow.

The real me also needs to recognize she's safe being cherished by a select few..and let that be enough.

The real me needs to let her spirit show through her physical..that's where the beauty lies.

"..rather let (her adornment) be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God."

(1Peter 3)

..adventures with Christi..

2009-06-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

Just another day in 2 girls' enchanted lives..

..Shared moments involved somebody's first taste of the sugary treat known as a Sprinkles cupcake..

..(she said "thank you." "I think we need to hold hands for a while")..

..We told tales of God speaking through a magic 8 ball at the nail salon..

.."Without a doubt" we would both be mothers soon..
..we decided the best thing to do after sharing the joyful news was to hold hands some more.. .."We're gonna be such great mothers".."We are gonna be such great mothers"..
.
.
.

.

.
..btw..I think your husband may have a crush on my brother..

..most enchanting day since my wedding..

2009-06-16T22:12:00.001-07:00

..perfect..

2009-06-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday my lovely Christiana..

..(let's eat them all)

..smiling for days..

2009-06-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

..maybe years..

(because it's mine)

..he bought it for me..

(and it's being delivered in the morning)

!!!

..i stopped praying..

2009-05-12T12:33:00.000-07:00

I stopped praying because I stopped trusting that God is good . I was afraid of what He would say . and who wants to strike up a conversation with someone who scares you . one sided monologs..prayer postcards at best . but here's the thing . scary stuff can happen whether or not I'm walking with Him . I can be real & open . I'm not protecting myself from the unknown by hiding . He see's it all anyway . even my fears..and they are many . God wants me to want things & ask for them . You see my problem was that I believed in the power of my prayers too much . The thought that I could ask Him for the wrong thing and that He'd give it to me because I asked for it was crippling to my spiritual life . No wonder I had so much fear . I truly believed God gave me all the power . I don't belong with that much power . Truth is..He'll say no if it's not what He has for me . Unless I continually ask for something I know He doesn't want for me & I want it anyway . God is good . I need to start fearing the thought of not walking closely enough or being open enough with Him . Not fearing being close or open with Him . How did I get that so confused . It's a conversation . He really does speak with us

..prodigal bridesmaid dress..

2009-04-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

The prodigal bridesmaid dress returns!!

After being backordered..marked "delivered" when it wasn't..scanning my neighbors' porches like a peeping tom..yelling at the USPS automated voice lady about how this is for my brother's wedding, and how they stopped making this particular dress..and finally..

it's here.

(I wish I could wear it every day)

..morning fog..

2009-04-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

..Interesting phenomena happening around year 2 1/4 of marriage.. So there's this thing happening inside me, and it's hard to explain so be patient with me. For the first time since I've been married, I find myself in those moments when it's just you..the real you..driving in your car, or putting on makeup, or walking through your favorite store..and you're suddenly aware of how much you feel like yourself. The self you've known your whole life..not necessarily the "newly ~ anything" self you'd become accustomed to. I find myself thinking thoughts that include dreams I had for myself pre ~ wedding..pre ~ engagement even..like it's not the only marker on my timeline anymore. It feels good. It feels free. The way I love to feel..and the only way to feel this way when you're in love must be after the morning fog burns off. I don't love my gorgeous husband any less than the day we said "I do", in fact we've grown to love each other so much more. There seems to have come a level of intimacy..a level of knowing each other..a level of comfort that warms my soul. As much as I used to think I loved change, I find I'm happiest..most full of joie de vivre in the comfort of stability..and I feel stable. Are we imperfect? Yes. Can either of us still deeply hurt the other? Bien sur. But my nerves aren't on edge waiting to be hurt anymore. The sense of dread that comes with new vulnerability has quietly become a lovely sense of warmth..the way baby birds must feel cozied up in their nest. I love my gorgeous husband..and he loves me.

..happy day..

2009-04-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited..I just ordered this fabric (which I love)

and in 1 ~ 2 weeks they will be beautiful drapes for our home..yay!!

(one step at a time)

..i heart genevieve..

2009-04-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

"Design has a funny way of bringing people all together, because when the landscape changes, moods change, energy changes..and once things start becoming beautiful, I think people start acting more beautiful."

~ Genevieve Gorder

I also heart these things (which I want to put in our home)..

(above fridge)

(maybe bedroom, maybe by the fire..opposite "his")

(no idea where..I just love it)

..late date..

2009-04-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

last night I went to bed at 2 a.m.

(which hasn't happend in a long time)

started at 10:20 p.m. with my gorgeous husband wanting "cookies & tea"

(not just any.."no, I want your cookies")

a quick trip to the store, a broken glass & a couple hours in my adorable hand made apron (which I love)

& voila

by midnight we were currled up with our cookies & tea watching the intoxicating Casablanca

(which I have still never seen all the way through..including last night)

..domestic fairy..

2009-03-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

I want

to be a domestic fairy..I want to bake coconut cupcakes & sprinkle them atop a 3 ~ tiered vintage cake stand..I want colorful kitchen towels and a white kitchen aid mixer for my counter..I want a child to

cherish & raise..I want a puppy to curl up with me on the sofa & smile at me while I stroke her for hours..I want red lipstick..I want to be putting the finishing touches on my home instead of crawling through the beginning..I want to be at the 1 year mark for my job and our new dwelling..I want my blonde hair to always look poofy & perfect without ever fixing it..I want those little poochy parts on my body to disappear..I want to be happy & celebrate everyday of this beautiful life..I want to be kind and grateful and never ever greedy..I want to feel more fulfilled..I want to feel less lonely..I want to go to church with my family on Easter & have a very blessed day (maybe wearing a flowy dress & a flower in my hair)..

..let's celebrate life..

2009-03-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

..even if I don't make either of my goals for this year, I will praise You..even if I lose certain friends because I can't spend money like I used to, I will praise You..even through all the changes in our lives, we will praise You..tomorrow at my mom's birthday dinner, we will celebrate life & we will praise You..even if I can't see right in front of me, I will smile at the fog & I will praise You..even if I walk the streets of my home town instead of Paris, I will praise You..

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

..with love..

2009-03-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

My chest actually aches

with love for him

with desire that our

marriage won't come to an end

that he won't hurt me & I

won't hurt him

..tomorrow morning..

2009-03-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear

I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love hold my hand, and have no fear

'Cause I will be here
I will be here

When you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen and I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winning, losing and trying

We'll be together 'cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up and the future is unclear

I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change our lifetimes were made for these years

So I will be here
I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you and I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made

To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up and the sun does not appear

I will be here

Oh, I will be here

(Steven Curtis Chapman)

..perfect Sunday..

2009-03-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

tip tap of rain on my bedroom window

(i love rain)

snuggling

(more than snuggling)

breakfast date

(my favorite kind)

book shopping

(short stories of F.ScottFitzgerald..because i loved the cover)

3 hour nap on our beautiful new sofa

(instead of reading)

my gorgeous husband decided to make apple cobbler

(for dinner)

a fireplace & too many smooches to count

(my cup runneth over)

..fickle friends..

2009-03-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

some friendships are a life long constant thru blessing & trial . they enrich our lives . they are our chosen family..some friendships have a season or chapter in our lives . you can't help seeing their face in all your memories of those days, months, years and then life moves on and separates you..then there are other friendships in particular that I don't understand at all . they are of the flash~in~the~pan variety . in the beginning it is perfection . shared encouragement in the Lord . fun similarities make it seem so effortless . then out of nowhere it's gone . only then do you make the association between their friendship & the maffia . leaving you feeling drained of life rather than full . I am not looking for a second marriage or a second job . harsh I know, but feeling the need to protect my little life after giving too much & having it not be enough..the end

..for Christiana..

2009-03-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

..une question..

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

..Do our bodies change over time, or is this just a myth?
I find I need the answer to this in order to psychologically move on past this point in my life with purpose & inspiration.. It feels far more difficult than it has previously for me to lose weight. Not a ton..just the 10 pounds it takes for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. That makes me not dread going to dress myself in the morning (and keep reaching for the black~empire waisted~jersey dresses). I do not have the same will power for not eating at night (my biggest proven strategy)..and when I am good about it, I find it takes a lot longer to make a difference (which is of course discouraging enough for me to go ahead and split the pizza with Jake for dinner..leaving me in this particular place...frustrated to the point of hopelessness). I need to find what works for my body (and spirit) now..since it's obviously evolving. I still have a die hard love for pilates. I even have the Winsor pilates dvd series that kicks my ass. Do I need to start doing one on one sessions in order for me to see the change I'm craving? I've been referred to someone I'm sure is amazing..she even has her studio on Balboa which sounds like a dream situation. One problem: there go any non~fitness~related financial goals I have (which is not acceptable to me). So, it's back to the dvds. I have this sneaky suspition that consistency is my missing link between the way my body has worked in the past & my new slightly more mature body. This is going to be a hard lesson for me as it's one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not resigned to giving up just because the rules have changed on me. After all..I still have visions of me in my 40's looking like Elle McPherson, or Gabrielle Anwar..

..or better yet, like me at my best.

(guess that means I should toss the ciggies too..)

..papillon..

2009-03-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

I want one..

and I want to name her Gypsy.

..for my gorgeous husband..

2009-03-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

the way you smell when you're leaving for work makes me dream of endlessly cuddling with you on our sofa..everything in me cries "don't go"..but I know you have to.

I'm sorry that I forget so often how much you love me..I think I would frustrate you less if I could somehow remember you really want to make me happy.

I still can't believe you're my family..that makes me feel so smiley & content.

Thank you for cherishing me.

I'm so glad we went to church yesterday..it's good to worship God together..and it does me so much good to see you like that.

I adore you.

..i love rainy days in..

2009-03-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

I love rainy days in

Cat Power & Adele music in the background

Making a whole pitcher of chai tea to last while I mull over life

..and my new Fresh candle

intoxicating

..learn to speak your husband's language..

2009-03-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

My gorgeous husband & I thought we had very little in common. When we found something we would even celebrate with a little high five and a smooch. See we knew this going into our marriage, which makes it all the more exciting to realize how much we actually do have in common.

We've just been speaking a different language.

For example we would both have the same picture in our head of how we would decorate the livingroom..

He would use words like "dark, old english reading room"..which would make me picture a stank little dusty room with no windows (not ok with me). I would of course frown and describe my ideal living space like this.."soulful, jazzy, dark vintage 20's accents in a light airy room." Which brought laughter to his face (this of course infuriating to me)..nevertheless we had a long ~ overdue discussion of word definitions..what we actually mean.

Only to find we had nothing to fight about.

Priceless.

I highly recommend it, kittens.

You will cry tears of joy as I have done.

Hear's to being on the same team.

..

2009-03-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

I bought a magnolia tree..

and I'm in love with it.

..laying out..

2009-02-20T08:51:00.001-08:00

..Is it too early to start laying out?

I just flipped through the new Victoria's Secret Swim '09 catalog (do people still say "catalog"?)..anyway it made me so happy. The sun is coming!! Lemonade and Iced Tea will be made..skin will brown..new beach towels will be bought (by me at least). I can't wait..and it all starts with daylight savings on March 8th...

...yay.

..dream..

2009-02-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

dream in yellows and pinks

vintage patterns

listen and hear

a youthful conversation of my mother's

time and song

whisper long

all her love is yours

her gift to me

my gift to you

..my mom..

2009-02-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

I made my mom sad..

..but she made me sad first.

Then I brought her flowers & a smoothie..

..but she still seemed sad.

..ah, what to do..

..I love her.

..home..

2009-02-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

I put up roman shades!!

After getting a quote from a window specialist for dark woven wood roman shades throughout our tiny tree house (my affectionate name for our loft~condo), I went to Lowe's and did it myself for the price of one custom window!!

..They look good..

Now it's raining outside & it looks so charming to see through our pretty new view.

(too bad I have to leave for work)

..4th decision..

2009-01-29T13:37:00.000-08:00

I've decide it's important to me to make a dvd of our wedding. I stumbled across the retarded one our photographer made, and watched it while I had my morning tea. The music is irritating, the photos are so not the ones I would have chosen to highlight the day. In short..the vibe is all wrong. I want to make a reminder as beautiful..and peaceful..and soulful..and sexy as that day really was. I need reminders. I think we all do. The live version of SeaBreeze by Tyrone Wells (which I walked down the aisle to)...the architectural gorgeousness of LaVentaInn which is a former residential estate overlooking the pacific (in which they filmed a silent Charlie Chaplin film I'm trying to locate)...I would love to splice in a couple shots from that or maybe some of the music. This is just for me. I need this because my memory will start to erase some of the details..and because the spirit of that day needs to be captured..and because this is my life.

..two questions...three decisions..

2009-01-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have this inexplicable fascination with "surprising" my gorgeous husband with things I think he should be excited about, even though I already know he'd much rather discuss them first. It started as soon as I became a wife...I wonder what that means..

#1 So I decided to get bangs again. Which I didn't let my gorgeous husband know until after the fact (even though I know he hates them). Act of passive aggressiveness? Defiant spunkiness?? No..just not used to someone else caring yet. Truth be told, they're not as "genious" as they were last time. Although they do still bring out my artsy french side (which happens to actually be my favorite side...and which I will fully enjoy until they're too long to wear straight down). But before you feel too sad for me..my gorgeous husband loves everything about me except for my current hairstyle (and maybe my tendency to "surprise" him)..so I'm a happy girl.

I'm slightly less happy about the paint decision for our loft (which I would call our cute~loft except it isn't). The 2 colors in question were veto-ed..which meant I decided to be a good wife and stop torturing my gorgeous husband with further paint sampling (at last count there were 11 colors on the wall). So I sit here typing today with every muscle in body fatigued from painting our loft the original agreed upon (paint already purchased) color of "Witch Hazel". Sort of close to the grayish olivey green color in my head, but not quite. I was optimistic about it until this morning when I saw the color of perfect. It's in the background of this picture on our wedding day..also I realized it's the same color at 2 other of my favorite spots on the planet..ZincCafe in Laguna Beach, and L'Auberge Carmel. It makes me instantly happy..and instantly feel beautiful.

...So, one fine day (hopefully not too far from here), my gorgeous husband will agree to let me find this color and re~paint, because it makes me happy.

(I promise it won't be a surprise).

..not attractive..

2009-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

..lack of self control is not attractive..

..being spoiled & ungrateful is not attractive..

..selfishness is not attractive..

..insulting your lover is not attractive..

..being spineless is not attractive..

..the sun is setting again..

2009-01-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

..but I'm not ready. I need more light..warmth..optimism. Come back soon, sun..

..don't hate me..

2009-01-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

Don't hate me for wearing last year's sunglasses..and jeans..and earrings.

You will see me step out my door this year in nothing but last year's garb..(hopefully reworked in some cute way)..Please don't snicker and point!!

I'm on a mission.

...To make my house the fashionable one.

It sucks to come home to a hodge~podge of cluttery~uncuteness.

So instead of shopping at Sephora and Urban Outfitters this year, you may run into me at Sur La Table and Juxtaposition.

Wave, smile and be nice... I'll probably be wearing gladiator sandals.

..I wonder..

2009-01-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

I wonder if we can channel our vices. When I get overwhelmed or stressed I tend to pull out my eyebrows..which isn't good advertising since I shape other people's brows for a living. It used to be having a ciggie..or maybe not eating. I see the triggers coming a mile away..I'm just musing about how much control we actually have over where that nervous energy shows up. If I let myself enjoy the feeling of hunger, will my eyebrows grow in beautifully? Can I choose to crack my knuckles instead of smoking it up? I'm starting to think it may actually work this way. I used to think these "bad habits" were special areas of weakness for me, but just maybe it doesn't have as much to do with the vice as much as it does the anxiety I'm trying to release. It makes perfect sense since my anxiety just shows up in a new area I'm not expecting after I gain mastery over the old fix. So what's the answer? To find the least harmful coping mechanism? (Or maybe the one I enjoy the most?) When something is bigger than you or harder than what you're prepared to deal with, what do you do?? ...This is one of those moments when I realized the answer as I was typing out the question... O yeah, I know Jesus. I have a Comforter.."a very present help in trouble"..not to give me strength over a symptom, but to navigate me through situations and feelings too big for me to handle on my own. O yeah..

..my 2 decisions of the day..

2009-01-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

bangs or no bangs?

silver sage or sycamore green?

..I love January..

2009-01-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

..I love January..

..remember..

2008-11-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who completely forgot that Thanksgiving is this week? I've been living in the bubble of The Resort at Pelican Hill..6 day work weeks..uniform fittings..wishing I was one of those lucky kittens who lose weight from stress instead of gaining it. Meanwhile the rest of the country is buying turkey and calling their mom for that great cranberry recipe. All that to say..remember..to be thankful..to enjoy the changing season..to curl your hair & put on your favorite sweater come Thursday..and to give something to someone who may not have a cozy fireplace and loved ones.

..I'm thankful for..
my husband's love & faithfulness

the Anthropologie sweater I have on

my freshly painted bathroom

all the sweet new girls I get to work with

a day off to sleep as late as my body would let me

the joy of thinking up the perfect gifts for those I cherish

happy thanksgiving

..happy sleep..

2008-11-09T21:08:00.000-08:00

"A well spent day brings happy sleep."

Leonardo Da Vinci

love my new job (even though I'm still training)..love my new home (every day it's more beautiful & comfortable)..(deciding to) love my new car (even though it already needs surgery..I will welcome you home soon)..love the spontaneous visit with Katie on the side of the road (God is funny)..love that I'm getting paid tomorrow to have a facial & take home free product samples (a well spent day definitely brings happy sleep)..sweet dreams

..the City..

2008-10-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

..I'm retardedly excited about the new Hills spin~off starring Whitney..

The City premiers Monday December 29th @ 10pm on MTV

..to be here..

2008-10-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

I want to be here...

...breathing in this...

...with him.

..Can I just show you how gorgeous my cousin is?..

2008-10-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

...Is it bad that this makes me want a daughter of my very own? She actually myspaced me Saturday to inform me that she bought me for $550...I am now her pet.

..Je veux..

2008-10-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

..I want..

bangs . a camera . Ray La Montagne music wafting through the windows of my new home . to lose 6.8 pounds . to love this time in my life more than 2005 . a blog as cute as NieNie's . to live close to Christiana . for my brother & Gina to live happily ever after . a papillon . to be successful & happy at my new job . to have a life group I love again . resolution with katie . rain . WHITE teeth . for my parents to have enough money to retire beautifully & happily . to give them a grandchild . more Louis Vuitton . to have fun making home with my Jacob . to be beautiful for him always

..making home..

2008-10-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I came across a list in my old journal yesterday entitled "making home". It made me smile because my (gorgeous) husband and I are in the process of moving out of our first apartment together, and into a charming little condo we were recently able to buy. I feel so many things right now, but what impresses me most is this unexpected feeling that we're going home. As though our first couple of years were spent playing house, and now it's time for the real thing. I hadn't even been aware of feeling this way, but it's a good thing and I wanted to share it...along with the charming little list that I found.

comforting & charming decor

music

good lighting

good fragrance

(relatively) clean

chai tea

candles

photographs

fresh flowers

bath tub

a nice view

chick flicks (..like Beaches & the Holiday..)

worshipping / fellowshipping

something to look forward to (..project..)

family / love

affection

knowing you can be yourself

I can't wait..

..P.S. I also can't wait for the holidays this year (which is a first for me)..

..my Christiana..

2008-10-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

beautiful..like 'my eyebrows & beauty mark make me look like a model even though I just rolled out of bed' beautiful . full of kindness . innately treats others with the same care she gives to her self . able to love with every fiber of her being . brave enough to choose the harder but far more rewarding path of sharing her life with someone..hanging her all on love..even though she could've created a comfortable pretty life by herself has undying faith in people . the most giving person I know . amidst all her self sacrificing she still sees the beauty in receiving . a dreamer . a serious believer in dreams..her own and those of others . excellent sense of priorities . smart . not a push~over . revels in the details of life . good at being a girl . great at being a friend . drinks water out of goblets just to make the every~day seem special . has a mothers' heart . spontaneous and fun . just unsure enough about her greatness to be really endearing and loveable

..I feel blessed because..

2008-10-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've had butterflies land on me more than once in my life
I've known true love

I have a cozy, pretty bed and a gorgeous husband to share it with

I have enough time to enjoy life

I have enough accomplishment to feel secure

I have enough inspiration to create something new

I have enough bohemian eccentricity to feel special

I have a mother who wanted nothing more than to be a mother

I have a brother

I have a father who gets so excited to talk to me he has to try and play it cool
I delight in small things

I have girlfriends who love my soul

I'm female (and therefore get to shop at Anthropologie)

I have God's unfailing attention and devotion

..Art..

2008-09-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Art is the unspoken conversation with God as it would be between old friends who hide nothing and still have love.

..the Mermaid Cafe and other dreams unrealized..

2008-09-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

My journal is filled these days with other people's quotes, magazine cut~outs I was drawn to, song lyrics that play in my head and graciously give themes to unspecified days. All beautiful, and in small ways a representation of my little life...but they are not "from" me. It's been too long since I've given myself the time and space to create. Rather than let my beautiful inspirations fly away...I will share them here. It is the need to have something out there that is "me"...a tribute to the God who created me. An old (cherished) mentor I used to have once described worship as a period of time when you are doing something and you feel God's pleasure washing over you as if to say "this is what I created you to do, and it brings me glory that you're walking in it."

I hope I remember how..